why do people do all these fucked up things?

The more I think about it, the more I feel as if we're all so indeterminately fucked up. Who are we to even place expectations on people? Who are we to define who they are when we can barely even define ourselves?

Who gave anyone a right to put another person on a pedestle, particularly when the other person doensn't want to be on the damned piece of mortar. Seriously. All these views and perceptions and images that we have of other people are just so indeterminately fucked up. They ruin, taint and mar the objective way with which we ought to see the world.

I am sick of being judged, of being defined as different things just because of the things I do and of what I choose to do. Of the people I hang out with, of my choice of words and the way I live and lead my life. No, seriously. Who are you to give me that look?> To say those things?

You're nothing to me in this grand scheme of life. Nothing at all.

We live day-to-day immersed and absorbed in our own pain that it blinds us from the bigger picture. I'll break apart from that, wallowing in self-pity that does nothing at all. Oh yes, to add, I'm sick of people who already know their own flaws and mistakes and yet still FUCKING DWELL IN IT AND LAMENT AND WHINE AND NOT DO A SINGLE PIECE OF SHIT ON IT!

If given a choice between being protected and sheltered to being exposed to every cruel, ugly, harsh reality this world has to offer; I'd choose the latter. Sooner or later, we're all gonna get fucked. One way or the other. It's just a matter of picking the pieces back up after you get run over by the truck labelled 'life'.

Now I'm out to catch extreme sports, have drinks with a friend and maybe dinner with the homies.

less than a wonderful world

It's been awhile since I actually cried. Or rather, it feels as if it's been a long while. February seemed like forever and it's gonna be May. I just plan on staying in today and catching up on reading, television and the news. Get a bit of work done, rest my tired soul and of course, run. It's about the one thing that seems to keep the hours fly by faster when I'm at work; just thinking about the next path to take. I almost couldn't get home the other day because when I crossed the overhead, I bypassed the path back home.

Thank god for traffic lights and memory shocks that fortunately appear at the right time. I'd want to go rollerblading, but in my own skates and not rented ones. There's always the familiarity when you're laced and buckled in your own pair. It's like sliding into a second skin and gliding effortlessly (or not, since it has been awhile since I did it) on the path.

See how la. I want to do a lot of things. I should start devoting weekends to working out, exercise and keeping fit. Don't ask me where this whole load of crocknonsense came about. Must be the slow subliminal messages sent out from the magazine. Do sports. Go back to sports. Pick up a new sport.

Thank you so much for that catharsis.

List of things to do:

- table tennis finals
- hillgrove
- jurongville
- shooting (still incomplete, no groove no groove at all)
- waterpolo (for the magazine)
- primary school hockey
- coaching
- primary school basketball

- wgb ep cover
- dyl website
- eugene's website

Yup. Quite a handful. So yes. I shall clear off work tomorrow. Sian. Just remembered there's the Super Illegals thing at Zouk as well. To go or not to go. Hmm. Nah.

Took this from the turtle's blog on MySpace.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to
the question even if it doesn't make
sense. NO CHEATING!

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
A Second Chance - In Your Silence

WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE?
Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

WHAT DOES YOUR FAMILY THINK OF YOU?
The Used - Lunacy Fringe

WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU?
Imogen Heap - Loose Ends

WHAT DOES YOUR EX THINK OF YOU?
Radiohead - Punchdrunk Lovesick Singalong

HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE?
Lifehouse - Hanging By A Moment

HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE?
Reel Big Fish - I Want Your Girlfriend to Be My Girlfriend Too

WILL YOU HAVE KIDS?
Sum 41 - Over My Head

ARE YOU GOOD AT SCHOOL?
Cartel - Runaway

WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE?
Switchfoot - Gone

WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Strata - The Panic

WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Incubus - Pistola

THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE?
Cartel - Matter of Time

YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE?
The Wannadies - You and Me

HAPPY TIMES:
Snow Patrol - Run

SAD TIMES:
Eagles - Hotel California

EVERY DAY:
Adam Sandler - Grow Old With You

FOR TOMORROW:
Copeland - Part-time Lover

FOR YOU:
Dido - Hunter

WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME?
Hoobastank - Inside Of You

WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD?
The Veronicas - Leave Me Alone

WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING?
Michelle Branch - Breathe

WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER?
Mae - Soundtrack For Our Movie

YOUR FAVOURITE SAYING:
Death By Stereo - Forget Regret

HOW WILL I DIE?
Stars - The Woods

THE SONG THAT YOU'LL PUT AS YOUR SUBJECT?
Taking Back Sunday - One Way Conversation

fuel me

The connection in the library is fucking dodgy. Excellent but I keep getting disconnected. It's beginning to piss me off. Just a little. James Morrison in the morning makes me wonder what exactly it is that I want. I've been offered to work here. Ex-schoolmate is leaving the company and says that there're are gonna be a lot of openings come this June. Very tempted to just tender in my resignation and end my intership and hop over. A good way to begin my foray into the world of communications.

But I'm worried and I fear. For a lot of things. I don't really know who to talk to. I don't know anyone older whom I'd trust enough to rightly explain and verbalise everything that I feel and fear and worry.

I am going to kill the internet connection here. Excellent my ass. Need to find a place to charge up the laptop later on. Sit down, waste my money on coffee and cigarettes, charge this damned thing as I do work. My next meeting is at 1230 followed by table tennis at TPSH again. Cheap good school food. Fortunately the parents gave me a ride to work. I'm grumpy, grouchy and miserable in the morning.

I've this urge to run again. I want to kill and deaden everything in my head right now.

this city devoid of devils

2.21 gigs is a start. Sitting here, sorting out music through the night, knowing full well I have an early day tomorrow and my father insists on us having breakfast as a family. Explanation? We all live beneath the same roof, we rarely see each other. A sister who flies off when the job calls for it, a brother perpetually hibernating in his room. Parents who have no true idea as to what kind of people their children are. And me? Your average everyday deviant. She who leaves the abode early in the morning and returns deep into the night. Black sheep.

Baa.

Funny how different strains of music, with different intent in words are able to evoke reactions in people.

I'm tired of asking myself the same questions and getting nowhere. Tired of looking at things from the bigger picture and yet having to focus on the details because then "things won't be right and perfect". I hate sitting in the train and watching white-collared workers milling around me and making me feel that despite my age, I should have just stayed in school and never venture out into the real world.

I don't even know if the real world is the real world. It gets tiring, being all rational and logical and sensible and shit like that. Most times you're just terribly tempted to throw caution to the wind and run free. Though in the context of our society, where exactly can you run?

Nowhere.

To say I feel lost and that I possibly am lost, would be an understatement. It's one of those pre-midlife-crisis things that I suspect many others go through. Like how they envision the calm before the raging tempest (synonymously used to replace the word storm). Ironic, that my iTunes is on shuffle. Out comes Yellowcard's City of Devils, with a verse that hits me harder than anything else.

Flying along, and I
Feel like I don't belong and I,
Can't tell right from the wrong, why,
Have I been here so long

Have I?

mad, mad world

I thought I had something substantial till I realised something crucial. I'm hollow and empty, masquerading as if I've found a reason and purpose. Suddenly it feels as if everything that I've managed to take control of so far, is just slipping out of my hands. Out of control.

I don't understand what I'm doing. I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand what I feel. I don't understand anything anymore.

Sometimes you just want to drop the mask. Drop everything else. Just give it all up and let go.

Sometimes, you wonder if there's even a reason to be existing in the first place.

this is a short interruption

Hello lovely people. I have a stomachache and I am at Raffles. Have jam later. Today's plan for catching young boys (I promise to not be so pedophillic in future) playing sepak takraw was cancelled and I had to head to CCK for a meeting. Not bad la just that travelling is a bitch and eats up my EZLink account. Which is sad. If not, HOW TO GET HOME LIKE THAT!

No matter. Swap with mum. Why can't there be a toilet around this area. Then I'll have to leave my comfy little spot. Boo. I'm rambling nonsense right now because of the tummyache. Wait a little bit more, since I'm tired from travelling, and then head down to Katong for jam. I MISS JAMMING. I MISS NEVERWHERE! Yeah right, and we jammed just last weekend.

Plans on recording 5 Seconds and maybe Wallflower or Empty Vessels. Dancey la. I like. Only I don't like my voice. So yes. Ok. More later, I brought the cam and hence, camwhore to come. CIAO!

don't wanna think about it

Today, I was about half an hour late for the meeting. And I sat there for another half hour and realised that I basically wasted my time. No matter. Spent a good part of the day getting some admin done and now I'm at PS sipping my much-earned coffee (I've been abstaining, haven't you realised?). Grimm video-called me whilst I was getting lost and trying to direct the driver with regards as to where to go. Haha. Damn hilarious la. I'm either a teacher or a student if I'm heading to a school. And when I say reporter they go whaaaaaat?

My BTT is in June. I want to see if I can sit for my FTT in early July then start on the practical. Already found an instructor now it's a matter of getting my PDL and then ALL THE WAY BABY! I still think I can only get it in November or October earliest. Nevermind. Focus on passing the theories first. The rest I'll worry later.

I love FOS shops. Anyway. I love coffee more and I'm gonna finish this article and another and mail it to my editor so that he knows I ain't slacking off and that I am disciplined in ensuring that I get my work done!

Your smile keeps me up for days.

Can't run tomorrow since my day ends at 10. So I think I'll run on Thursday and then Saturday. SWEET! And the Pumas aren't simply for show either. Okla. I'll get back to work. I sound like some giddy school girl.

me lovey lovey cereal

Shots from Saturday night. Concussed, but I've told you that already. Ran for 20 minutes right after I got home. Feel good and I think I can crawl off into bed and sleep. Tomorrow I have to head to the school before hitting HYSS. I don't have much to say other than this:

I am addicted to cereal.

Goodnight.

beyond the open road

1. We have a new addition to the office. Her name is Nico/Niko, I don't really know and that kind rhymes. She sits in front of me now. The furniture's all been re-arranged here in the office. Gone are the shelves by the wall and everything is all blank and bare. Kinda creepy.

2. I do not get hangovers (thank god for that) but I do get extremely tired and exhausted. I am thinking its because of the long day I had (jam and then dinner and drinks with Rui and friends and then clubbing) that got me concussed right after I got back from lessons on Sunday. When I reached home after chilling with the main homie (and friends), I turned my laptop on and was just about to check my mail when my phone rang. Suffice to say, after I ended the call, I concussed and didn't wake up till today. Yes, my laptop battery went flat but hey my iPod got charged. :D

3. It's only Monday but my Thursday and Friday has been conveniently booked by work. Incredible. See a bunch of office boys fight (ala Fight Club, though less vicious) and meet schools back-to-back for meetings and the like. Work-wise for today, almost finishing off the netball article and I've found most of the dates for the Asian Calendar.

4. Pictures to come, once I get my butt back home and after my run. Yes, I am going to run today. By hook or by crook. Right now am just sleepy and stoned. I keep falling off to Slumberland and you have no idea how many cups of coffee (instant and unsweetened no less. yech) I downed just to try and keep myself awake. Does not help that the weather is supremely fucked up. Rain, cold, just nice for snuggling underneath the sheets next to a warm body (or not) and just snoozing the day away.

GAH! Anyway, I'm contemplating selling off my old stick and getting a carbonfibre GRAYS stick. If only because I want to go back to sports and Niko/Nico says that I can possbly train with her and the Police team. Hmm. Just a little bit more and I'll be done with the X-Country article. As it stands, I finall completed the WZ Netball one. Gah. Took me forever to figure out just exactly how to end it. And note, it's to end the damn thing and nothing more.

Judging by how I'm writing my article, I sense a lot of sardonic mockery. Bad girl. Bad bad girl. But I can't help it can I if I found it to be nothing more than a terrible bore. The usual drama and hyped-up climaxes that aren't really anything more than a cry for desperate attention. If you ask me, sounds like someone I know very much.

Places to hit soon: The Cannery (you get The Clinic AND Ministry of Sound) and The Butter Factory. Did I mention that there are plenty of octopuses in clubs? Is that what it spells like plural? Hmm. Anyway, yes. Or maybe they're colled octopi. Whatever it is, their hands are all over, not wanted the least bit and apparently giving them the look doesn't always work because they're sometimes too drunk or just plain pajiao.

Right. Back to work. Be the good girl that I am. The fright I had this morning, thinking I was gonna get tossed into the can. :/