ice

How far longer can you keep everything inside, bottled up and not expect some form of explosion? I'll turn it to how long can I keep everything in, forget them and move on to the next. Forgetting is not necessarily a bad thing. Detachment and coldness scores even higher on the scale. I'm trying to think back though when all of this began, how it comes so second nature and why I don't feel any particular remorse.

Young Hiro is so fucking adorable!!! Crap. What is it with me and geeky boys?!

Strangely hungry, wondering if I should run or just skip it and head to the beach now to catch some sun before work. Hmm. Decisions decisions.

It's not that I refuse to let people in to my comfort zone. The mechanisms just swing down, on their own when they get to close. And after awhile when you think about it, that's a good thing. Why let your guard down, get yourself hurt and be forced to pick up the pieces and rebuild anew again?

There are times where I dislike being like this. Times where I wish it was normal, easier, less of a turmoil and stress. But then I think about everything else that's happened. Everything in the past, that hope and faith and utmost belief of making a better future and I realise;

I will not reduce myself to a snivelling fool. To be carried by words. To be led blindly. And to lose everything, everything that I've worked so hard to be able to maintain this sense of normalcy. Even despite the detachment. Even despite the coldness.

I won't.

bush fire

My hair is taking an eternity to grow. Currently, its in the unruly, uncontrollable and most-likely-to-catch-fire phase. Yes yes I know I keep telling this to other people. Patience is a virtue.

Done with Bleach 125. I will start having frequent but smaller meals if only to speed up this weightloss-musclegain process. R says that I'll look weird wiry. I'm not planning for wiry, I'm aiming for lean and toned.

Yummeh.

I'm dead bored and I wanna go drinking. Also today I woke up feeling as if I got run over by a truck; literal translation means: everyfuckinginch of my body hurts and aches. But as Dr Larry says, pain is the knowledge that your muscles/body is working/healing. Whichever it is. I have short-term memory.

IT'S THE WEEKEND! ♥

dont mess with me

Hello world. Slow addiction.

CW: 119lbs
GW: 110lbs
UGW: 95lbs

Go figure that one out. Waiting for my body to cool down. I take about 10mins to run 2km. If this were Napfa, I'd have to clear the 400m in under 2min to hit an old record. Yes yes, I know that's pretty bad timing. But hey, I've short legs. :$ Maybe I need to quicken my pace. And I think now I should just run Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. At least that's an accumulated 6km per week. Can la.

Anyway, I think we're sorta ready for Saturday. I need to memorise the new lines for Empty Vessels, Room of Apathy and Wallflower.

Feels damn shiok for a cold shower. Now I'm contemplating eating maggie. HAHA! So much for hitting that goal. Can one la. I've not eaten anything else today save for chicken rice so cut me some slack.

Now, to watch Heroes or concuss? I still have Bleach 125 and D Gray Man to watch. Decisions decisions.

somewhere over this damned rainbow

Couple of things to note about the day:

1. FUCKING DRAGGY!

2. Finishing the flyer, just one more part, pictures and I am done.

3. My internship ends in August, not September as I initially thought.

4. I DON'T NEED TO BRING THE STUPID HEAVY-ASS CAMERA ON SATURDAY!

5. I am going to run tonight. Chris, wanna run?

6. I am going to get a nice tan on Saturday, by hook or by crook. Which explains why I will be heading to the beach earlier to catch some rays before doing work.

7. I am going to be so damn broke. Again.

The citizens in the kingdom of Lin wishes you all a nice day, the weather outside is burningHOT so take extra care lest you sizzle like oil in a frying pan.

CIAO!

back to school

Wow, I never thought that INSEAD was actually a business school instead of some science research facility centre that looks like it came out of a B grade horror scifi flick. Hmm. And it's near my house too. BUT! Get this:

INSEAD is known to be one of the most selective business schools in the world, with an admission rate undisclosed but considered to be roughly 20% of the applicants.[citation needed] The Admissions Committee selects candidates from a pool of applicants on the basis of various qualities, including academic performance, career progress, interpersonal skills and leadership potential.

All applicants must hold a bachelor's degree or equivalent and are required to submit an application with detailed essays supporting their case, two recommendations, their Graduate Management Admission Test (GMAT) score and academic transcripts. The MBA participants' average GMAT score is currently 706 (class of July 2007).[citation needed] Applicants who successfully pass the initial screening process are invited to two separate interviews conducted by alumni over the world.

Crikey.

I've been thinking about this quite a lot as of late.

I want to go back to school. There are 2 options; JCU and SIM. JCU offers BA in Psychology as well as Masters in Guidance and Counselling. SIM offers a degree in Psychology with a base in Sociology. The BA in Counselling looks exactly like what I was planning to take after OKCU.

Just need to talk to my parents and get their thoughts. Somehow, I doubt I'll be able to further my studies. At least not at this point of time.

Why must tuition fees be so expensive?

Alternatively the plan is to work for 5 years, putting aside enough so I can fund my education and then getting out of the arts industry and working with schoolkids. It seems decent... at least to me.

Sigh.

life is about beating people up

For some strange reason, today I went to run at 7 in the morning. Last night after picking up a call, I concussed. My sister said I snored and she was tempted to kick me so that I'd shut up.

Was I really that tired? I don't remember much. It's the kind of sleep that grabs you suddenly and next thing you know you're like omg wtf what happened did someone snatch my body?!

But anyway, that's besides the point. Recently I was on MSN talking to a friend who was having some boy problems. Explained to her the whole concept of playing hard to get and to just ditch the fella if he's being a dumbass since games are pretty much a waste of time when you drag it for too long. Afterwhich, she said that I was an expert at being cold, aloof and detached.

For a moment my brain kinda froze, now was that a good thing or a bad thing? She claims its a compliment. Makes me re-think my current situation. Just recently I was told that I seem to have an emotional toll on a lot of people I meet. I sound like some walking disaster. Hey look, I'm the non-special-ability version of Peter Petrelli. He's pretty cute, in a semi-dorky-geeky-emo kinda way. Grimm says I have a thing for emo boys. Not true! I happen to like sporty athletic and geeky Google-yuppyish kinds as well!

Although I've been having difficulty meeting people from either category.

Now that most of my work's done, I've been handed a new project - designing the brochure/pamphlet for the FIVB. Apart from the fact that it's kinda cool to see 15,000 copies worth of my work in print; I have to face inFuckingDesign again. FUCK!

I have a creative block. I can barely design, barely string coherent literary sentences together and if you want to talk about vocal melody; that's pretty whacked as well. There are those random flashes of inspiration but when I wait for Adobe to load and when it finally does (people, Lin needs to get more memory and more ram), everythings gone. Poof. Just like that. Have you any idea how fucking frustrating that is?

Same goes for photography. I need a portfolio. I need to do fashion editorials. Something. ANYTHING.

Times like these, you feel like finding a punching bag or a deserving little brat and beating the shit out of him. Or her. Whichever. I don't care. I need a vacation. And finally, I can use my burnt weekend to escape to KL with the family.

Somehow, I'm not quite looking forward to it.

fester

Blogger ate up my entry.

Contemplating a shoot tomorrow. Been awhile since I held my own camera and took shots not related to work. Might be more of a chance in KL but eh, we'll see. Maybe I should sign up for one of em' photography courses.

Down to 5 more episodes of Heroes. Last one and I'll concuss. Enjoy the rest of my week before hell decides to fester.

just gotta say it all

Super early for work and the China lady just got in at 11 and I finished watching The Fix. Paramore's cover of My Hero is on perpetual repeat. Setlist for Saturday is like this:

5 Seconds
Empty Vessels
Pressure (Paramore Cover)
Room of Apathy
Faces in the Mirror
My Heart (Paramore Cover)
Wallflower

And he says that I sound like Daphne and its the high squeakyness all over again. Only difference is my lack of control over my voice. We blame it on fatigue and lethargy from the day's work.

Contemplating covering My Hero but Egan might probably die. Already the bugger is playing for 2 bands - Neverwhere and ThreeWayStreet. Ours is gonna be the first and third set of the night. For him, it's going to be back-to-back. Will buy him Redbull and chainsmoke all the way. As much as to hype ourselves up (and give false energy) and deaden the nerves.

My Saturday is officially burnt. Rip Curl Beach Volleyball in Sentosa and then gig later on at night.

When I think about it, we could even use this setlist for live gigs. Hint hint June 12th. So we're almost set. Only that I want to change Pressure to Emergency or My Heart to Emergency. Whaaaattt? I know its seriously overplayed but I love Emergency.

:$

My month till the 15th is also burnt. At least I won't be wasting so much time now watching Heroes. :D

just gotta say it all

Super early for work and the China lady just got in at 11 and I finished watching The Fix. Paramore's cover of My Hero is on perpetual repeat. Setlist for Saturday is like this:

5 Seconds
Empty Vessels
Pressure (Paramore Cover)
Room of Apathy
Faces in the Mirror
My Heart (Paramore Cover)
Wallflower

And he says that I sound like Daphne and its the high squeakyness all over again. Only difference is my lack of control over my voice. We blame it on fatigue and lethargy from the day's work.

Contemplating covering My Hero but Egan might probably die. Already the bugger is playing for 2 bands - Neverwhere and ThreeWayStreet. Ours is gonna be the first and third set of the night. For him, it's going to be back-to-back. Will buy him Redbull and chainsmoke all the way. As much as to hype ourselves up (and give false energy) and deaden the nerves.

My Saturday is officially burnt. Rip Curl Beach Volleyball in Sentosa and then gig later on at night.

When I think about it, we could even use this setlist for live gigs. Hint hint June 12th. So we're almost set. Only that I want to change Pressure to Emergency or My Heart to Emergency. Whaaaattt? I know its seriously overplayed but I love Emergency.

:$

My month till the 15th is also burnt. At least I won't be wasting so much time now watching Heroes. :D

absurdist theory

I had a very weird encounter on my way back. This black car basically drove in the wrong way. They stopped, two guys, asked me where the nearest ATM was. Next thing they, or rather the baldy beside the driver, said to come out and have coffee sometime. Then he wanted to get my number.

I just raised my eyebrow, said no thanks and 'beeped' my way in, not before letting one of my neighbours in as well. What the hell sia. Talk about weird. The one night I don't have company home and weird people appear out of nowhere.

So back to Heroes. Was a productive jam. Now it's a matter of pitching it to a live audience. Egan calls it vocal training and experience for me. I better level up! Haha!

I'm thinking preppy office wear tomorrow. Let's just hope the weather doesn't kill me first.

it could be

If being stupid is suddenly realising that you've left yourself to be extremely vulnerable and helpless, then by god, I am stupid. I watched 5 episodes of Heroes at work, actually concussed for awhile and am currently waiting for 6:15pm before I can head down to the Youthpark for acoustic.

Not easy to explain the epiphany of sheer utter stupidity because then I'd reveal too much.

Sometimes we wake up and too much time is swallowed and we don't rightly know where we are. There's all the confusion on faces, bewildered and puzzled and then we realise we're holding hands standing at the edge of a cliff. We're looking down and there's a desert beyond us. It spans far and wide, the tops of buildings covered in filmy grains of white sand.

I've been wrong but I've been waiting for you.

Sometimes, the bad guys get the better sweeter end of the deal and you wonder where has justice gone. Waking up can be a bitch sometimes. But we gotta do it. Else, we won't be where we are here. Right now.

And I'm still waiting.

she is everything i want

Last night the ex got his closure. He was talking about a conversation he had with his friends, about that one person in your life who really got to you. Like emotionally and psychologically and everything else. Guess who that person was?

The one question to ask, when he's at Death's door (although in this case unlikely since he's already asking me) was why?

but like why, you got me completely, like really everything, you had me by the finger man and i dont think there was or ever will be anybody else who could affect me the way you did. why as in what was wrong? as in why did it always turn to shit for us lah. now that im out of it, i completely get your point about how screwed up the relationship was. like missed out all the other important stuff lah. when shit hit the fan. i was entirely obsessed with changing you and i figured that was when things started to turn to shit .

It isn't funny nor strange how things work out. Somehow, you kinda figure out that they're about to turn that way. It's a good thing la. I don't want to lose friends anymore. Not over something that's common when you're still in secondary school. But it's my fault, at times, to have turned it into some high school drama. :X I'm still growing up!

I should just write chic lit and hope to strike it big as a local westernized fiction author and live the rest of my days sipping chocolate martinis by the poolside and hourlong runs on the beach. That, is life.

I don't know why I would want to fall back into love when I remember how terribly messed up and fucked up it was. Why exchange content and satisfaction now for something that fluctuates with as much regularity as my moodswings? Siao.

stab my back

Today's jam was ok I guess. I find that the initial theme for Room of Apathy has somehow gone offcourse. I guess change is necessary, just as long as I stick to it for gigs in time to come. Speaking of which, mentioned the 12th May acoustic set. Practising tomorrow after work and maybe once more before the day itself (hell, what about on the day itself haha!). Have decided that I'll go back to rollerblading. Egan was telling me about the Inline Hockey team that trains at Tampines. Figure I might try it out. Plus, there's use for my TK again.

It's been a tiring day but a rather uneventful and contented week. I like. I'll miss the homeboys when they vacation in Krabi. I only wish that I could come along too. But family comes first and it's been awhile since we went anywhere as a whole unit. My parents told me that when I leave for Phuket, they're going on holiday too. Aww, so sweet.

Still contemplating that weekend getaway to Bintan. But I need to find a secondary job to help with the finances. A bunch of things I need to get like lingerie and sports attire. Nike stores make me feel poor. 100bucks for a set of sports bra and shorts. And they were so pretty too!

As long as I run, I'll lose the mass then I'll just tone up whatever's left. Healthy lifestyle! And who dare says that you can't smoke before you run lest you be out of breath? I've proven that wrong!

On a less trivial note, I think I got called atas today. If only because I said that my future husband has to work in the financial sector and be stable to support me and my future family. Is that so wrong? I only want a comfortable life without the worries of owing people and places here and there. But I guess calling me that is a little immature because ultimately you only want what's best for yourself and for your future significant other (and kids, if I ever change my mind). Also, I want to be able to support my parents and ensure that my dad truly retires and does nothing but stay at home and watch tv and garden and tease my mom endlessly.

Now, would you consider that to be an elitist (I guess that's what 'atas' roughly translate to) thought? I agree it's superficial. I don't believe in marrying for love, I've mentioned before and I'll mention it again. I'm all up for arranged marriages.

Just gotta make sure he's cute, serious and funny all in one. :D

leeeeeeeeeerooooooooyyyyy

Watching 200pound Beauty made me wonder if changing everything physically, physiologically; would it make things better?

Age catches up. I think too much and worry for the future. Stability and security is the number one priority. I just need to settle on a topic and write as if my life depended on it. Temporary financial bliss and maybe even a short sabbatical.

I'm allowed to dream aren't I?

One more day before life rewinds itself and starts again where work piles up in kilobytes and the editor's naggy reminders in my inbox.

Sigh.