i wish i could say the same

I am beginning to entertain the idea of questions. Of asking questions and making each of life's little turns and twists into a question. Maybe that'll help me get over the skittishness of talking to people and doing my work.

I suppose the ideal in anyone and everyone's life is to be able to be in the profession that you're passionate in. Be it art or finance or education. But so few people are given the opportunity to do so, to be able to pursue their passion and love in life. Just watching the girls playing volleyball made me wonder. I see the expressions and reactions on their faces. When they lose a match, they don't crumble and cry and throw tantrums or anything. Well of course they're professionals but they're almost completely different people on and off the court. With the exception of the Cubans because they kinda scare me and freak me out.

But everyone else, the Norwegians and Swedes and Australians and Brazilians (I'm not too sure about the Chinese because there's that whole language barrier thing which I've yet to figure out how to crack) and the Philippines (oh gawd they were so damn pretty and so damn nice too!) and everyone else. They're like one hugeass happy family. For some it's truly a profession, it's their bread and butter and they spend their whole lives perfecting their skills and honing it to a T. You watch them on the courts and as much as they curse and swear when they miss an opportunity or when the ball hits the net and lands back in their court or when they thought they scored a point but didn't, at the end of the game they shake hands, quench their thirsts and laugh and smile.

Why couldn't that be the same for us here? Why are we just so damn competitive, why do we crave to be better than the other person to always be one step ahead? Is it because of some Asian trait that's ingrained in each and everyone of us?

I want to be able to experience something like what these girls, these ladies do. To be damn good at my job, to have so much love and passion for it and to just have fun even as I'm doing it. To take the mistakes and learn from them and just cut everything off once the whistle's been blown and the ref signals to shake hands.

Why volleyball? What is it about the sport? Why do you look so happy playing it? How are you able to go back to normal after each game, whether you win or lose? What does it take to be a beach volleyball player? How does it feel to represent your country, to be their ambassador in a field that's unorthodox?

Hmm. I'm super frickin tired. Power nap time.

just a quick one

The shots and captions on the website are nice. Good job.

So says the boss and I feel happy. Little does he know that some of the shots belong to me. I didn't really like the shots from the guy we tried out today. Andre and Jimmy still rawk in the photography scene. I have a crush on Hakedal from Norway. She's so aggressive and cute and adorable and everything else!


Say hello to Nila Ann Hakedal!

The new guy took this shot. Was pretty dark. Anyway, Jimmy's coming down tomorrow and his shots are POWER! Gonna shower and concuss a little. PIRATES TONIGHT! GYARRR!

give it back to me

Well, I have a tan and it's uneven as hell. There's internet connection at Sentosa and I'm running around; shuffling between getting quotes from people, doing random interviews, watching the matches and getting scorched by the nice hot sun. Yay. Note the tone of sianified sarcasm. And yes, I brought my laptop because I have to upload pictures from the photographer's memory card, look at then, sort the nice ones out, do a little bit of touch up and put it on the FIVB website.

I got screwed by the editor for waking up late and reaching the event late. No more nonsense, he says. I'm going to steal the Redbull and stay awake all night. Or get someone to pour icy cold water on me to wake me up come tomorrow morning. Damn but I need a supremely cool shower. Hell, I don't mind just doing a quick one right now because I'm just sticky and icky and terribly uncomfortable.

Oh yeah. He knows that I smoke too and told me that I didn't have to be shy about it. Eeps. Work polo tee is hot. It's stifling and by god it makes me want to scream because it traps heat like how flypaper traps flies. I don't care if I'm not making sense. I'm still burping AK47s from last night and yeurgh, I'd take the graveyard anytime. Also, celebrated Shaikha's birthday at Zouk although she and the rest had to head home early because of work. Yeah la, me and my itchiness had to stay and club and get super high and then end up waking up late with 5 missed calls from the editor.

And yet I still feel like clubbing. What the hell is wrong with me?! Must enjoy la before I don't have the freedom to anymore.

Holy shit. My editor just asked for a stick from me. WTF?!

*****

Ok, that was all written in the day when I had the time to write nonsense down but didn't dare blog it up yet. It's been one hell of a day. The sun really does drain your body and make you fatigue. I'm amazed I'm still awake and able to type all of this down. Thank you blueandsilver Redbull, eventhough you taste as shit but are tenthousandtimes more potent than the Thai version. Speaking of Thai, or not, the Philippine volleyballers are hawt!

Everyone smokes. It is no kept secret in the office. The boss knows and so does the art director. They're all pretty cool and I think maybe tomorrow I'll have dinner with them. Bond a little la. I really admire them for working so hard and putting in a hella lot of effort to making the thing go smoothly. The only thing I can do on my part is ensure that the pictures selected are top quality and that I get as much information and data and quotes for the article as much as possible. Gonna make it one hella shebang!

Pototo parata is not parata at all. It's bloody masala in a prata. Not liking it one bit. In desperate times like these I actually do miss Niqqi's (ridiculously priced) special and all the memories it brings. Tomorrow, or rather later today, will wear a skirt down to sentosa because sometimes wearing shorts is just too damn restrictive and hot. AND NO COMPANY POLO TEE! At least not till the weekend. HOHOHO! And I will definitely wake up and be on time and everything else because even I'm disgusted by my own tardiness.

Improvement and change for the good and for the better!

And shit la, I will not club the night I have a super long and tiring field assignment because I will die. Horribly. And rely, extensively and heavily, on sugar to keep me moving.

It's about time for my shower and then I'm going to rightly concuss and have nice fluffy bunny dreams. Mmm. Bunnies. Also from tomorrow onwards, am gonna bring my camera and take some shots. Of the hot bods and the hot action and everything else. AWESOME!

revelations

Selective memory can be a bitch.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAIKHA! I'll see you later tonight. ;D

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Reinvention takes priority over a lot of things. Anyway. Late again for meeting. I hate going down to schools. I'm leaving the notebook home. Fucking heavy sia.

rest well my friend

I never really knew who he was. I never really talked to him. I never really saw how he looked like. But he vanished and well... another star in the scene gone. Just like Paul. There's a strange kind of sorrow? Displaced and detached. Whilst some are still stunned by the news, the rest of the world still goes on.

R.I.P Wayne 'Thunder' Seah.

If we left our lives now, if we went back the way we came from. What could we have possibly done, what would people have said? Did we leave an impact? Did we make a mark? Did we touch any lives, make a change, start a revolution?

I've been dulled by monotony. Dulled by reality. I feel so jaded that it's a funny feeling be here, alive. What Vivian said was true. His and Paul's passing are a reminder that life shouldn't have been dulled that way. Appreciate what you have. Appreciate before it's gone. Or rather, before you go.

I'll plan something come Friday night. I've not seen la familia in eons and that's purely my fault. Now, there's no reason not to hang and chill with them.

I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of being forgotten. If I do nothing now, I'll end up forgotten. Like a memory.

the syndrome

Maybe it's just poor blood circulation on my part but my right hand hurts. That little nook between the middle finger and the ring finger. It's like, I can't seem to hold anything for long without the whole area going numb with pain. Selective carpal tunnel. How evil.

In anycase, I am the only one in the office. Literally. Even the Art Director is over at Sentosa. God knows what they're doing there. Last minute touches I suppose, hanging of banners and shit like that. Good that I have the office all to myself, no peeping over my shoulder to see if there's anyone catching me playing Bejewelled and random shocks when people come through the door.

Peace. For the time being.

So tomorrow is officially packed. From morning all the way till night. With luck I get to come in just a little later on Thursday. It'll be the qualifying rounds either way and I want to catch some sand action on the beach. That and rectify the ugly shitass tanline that I have. On body and feet.

There are times whereby solitude can be a blessing. A reprieve from this shitass noisy world that does nothing but make me despair. Then there are those times where I don't want to be alone and find any mean possible to surround myself with people. I think it's time to go on one of those short retreats, away from people and everything else.

The world is still stuck, at least my world. This level of bleak is about to reach an all-time high. So pardon me if I vanish for awhile. Would do me good. Damn it, all the more I can't wait for us to hit Bintan. If I had it my idealistic way, we'd be gone the weekend. Damn you reality! Seriously, damn you!

empty

Words cannot express how I feel.
How I've been feeling.
Wrenched apart, torn inside and pulled asunder.
The truth hurts doesn't it?
Now I look at myself and I think:
So pitiful. So utterly pathetic.
I've never felt more vulnerable, never felt so much without purpose.
I can claim myself to be everything else - cold, detached, aloof.
But I still feel, only that, I'm just hiding everything else.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know anything anymore.
And the worst thing is that, if I don't, I'll never get out of this.

Everything else that I see, that I read and hear seem so trivial. They seem so... petty and childlike. Disgusted, disappointed and terribly disillusioned. Simplicity is merely ignorance. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do anymore.















I want to be able to put into words how I feel. I want to express this empty gaping hole within. I want to wake up with self-driven purpose and not walk around as this blank empty vessel.

It's morning and I need to sleep. I think it'll be awhile before I can finally blog something far more sensible and less mundane.

this is fame versus infamy

This is a new level of boredom. Playing almost every game imaginable on Popcap, Miniclip and even Yahoo. Don't get me wrong, I do work too. Just finished two articles and I'm thinking on how to get started for the next few. I can feel the hype for the FIVB already though it's a wonder why there're still so many tickets left. There's this temptation to grab one and the party tix. Ohhh I wanna party hard and party all night long and crash over at someone's place and head to work the next day.

Hoho. Any takers?

I don't know what else to say. My mind's been fixated on the future. Career prospects and everything else. Shaikha advised me to stay with the magazine for a year more before hopping on elsewhere. I'm looking at the criteria that other companies are offering. Account executives have terribly stressful lives, with no time (or rather, rarely enough) for their own social lives. Strangely enough, that's kinda my ideal. Work work work work, slog all day and all night and earn a nice hugeass paycheck. :D Yes, I've turned shallow and materialistic. Money's about the only think that makes me happy, sides, it makes the world go round too!

I am motivated by personal gratification and indulgence. Then again, who isn't right? Self-reflection is one of the worst things to be doing right now. To realise how utterly selfish, conceited and self-absorbed I've become. Some may call it denial; I'd call it nature. It's only human after all. Though you have to wonder if being so absorbed in yourself is a way of escaping from the harsher realities of the real world. I'm only talking nonsense here.

Things to do:
- editing of the shots used in the soccer article
- Oakley City writeup
- Oakley athlete profiling

Things to look forward to:
- RippleVox drinks session
- FIVB Swatch
- School Soccer Finals
- Rugby Finals
- Hockey Finals
- Daddy's birthday
- Shaikha's birthday (aka scandalwednesday)
- HOMECLUB!!!

Right. Now let's see if I'll be able to survive long enough.

double ssssssssssssssss

I am somewhat all alone in the office. And that's a good thing. Have tonnes of things to clear, work-wise. And I won't be so pressurised because the editor is sitting behind me. Suppose everyone is at Sentosa now, welcoming the first batch of players from all over the world. Either that or the airport.

It's been a tiring week. Got myself a pretty notebook/journal for random sketches and musings. I'm still stuck at level 5 of Bejewelled, which sucks. I know I can go beyond that just that... must be my eyes. All burnt and catacracted.

Can someone tell me again since when was not giving a shit about anything considered being defensive? Anyway, I thought there was such a thing as rabbit porn. As in literally, em fluffy rabbits doing the deed. But then, rabbit is another term for something else and I got something else so yeah. No furry animal porn.

Also Joanna, please do not kill me for sucking horribly, once again, on your test. HOW I KNOW SIA! Haha. I do realise that we know more about the mechanics of each other's minds as compared to the detailed factual history of our lives. And background and everything else. Because we love each other and it transcends everything else. Also, how is it that Marcus is able to score the highest as compared to the rest? STALKER!

Desirability. Attractiveness. And damn if collarbones still don't turn me on. AIIEEE! Sexla. I see too many kids (this is why the paedophillic tendencies arise) with sexyass collarbones and hipbones and I rue the fact that I have to be so much older than they. DAMN IT!

Ok. Time to take a nap. I had enough sleep, I just can't seem to rightly concentrate.

you now you wanna

Create your own Friend Test here

DO IT!

looking forward to the future

1. I'm quite chao ta. At least I feel like it. Hot sun. Hot hot heat. I WILL SAVE UP AND GET MYSELF A PAIR OF OAKLEYS!
2. I have an ugly shitass Havaianna tanline.
3. I will never again wear jeans to a morning athletic event. THE SUN KILLS!
4. I think I need to sleep but I'll be damned if I concuss now.
5. Now saidshitlocked person says that one of his random friends say that I look like a carebear. First a pig, then a monkey and now a carebear. IF YOU GOT NOTHING TO SAY THEN DON'T FUCKING SAY TO MAKE SMALL TALK LA YOU CHEEBYE!

Yeah. I am grumpy. Think I should nap. The heat makes one utterly irascible.

Infamy over fame. Sometimes we can be so viciously cruel to ourselves. Self-realisation hits an all-time high in the dead of the heat and madness of stark-opened pores and senseless chatter. Well, I did get to meet TheLonelyRunner which was pretty cool and interesting. Until my hair is of acceptable length, I'll keep it tied in this scrappy stump of a ponytail. Laugh all ye want, it makes the heat bearable.

I think it's hella safer to remain this way. Without the complications at least. With no strings, no ties and no additional attachment. Bintan is settled. PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG! About time.

One night and one more time. Thanks for the memories eventhough they weren't so great. See, (s)he tastes like you only sweeter.