breathe, warm me up

If it's all over, all said and done, why does merely seeing it make me feel odly disturbed? It could be because of the dream, but honestly, the dream had nothing to do with anything. Perhaps it's the combination of the music and the words that I read that adds up to it. Maybe. Mayhaps. And most probably.

Neverwhere is tightening up. I love how the band sounds, the full band with Mister Shen. Definitely not as raw and the latest song, is so prog-rock. I can't wait for us to gig. I just need to settle my vocal melody. I think I've just found myself a train of thought to use. Ok. That didn't make sense.

These words mean nothing
Your very essence bothers me no more
Yet there's this strange awkward ripping feeling
To realise again
How fast I've been distanced, further away

That I could be envious, green-eyed and malicious
But what for (Whatever for)
With that smile upon her face
Your hand, my cheek, that harsh crack

Then again, when I think about it. What's there to seriously be disturbed about? Funny how words can slant and shift a lot of things. Don't know la. Must be like delayed stress reaction from work, that my mind is in overdrive and of all things to decide to be all disturbed and shit, that.

I shall just keep 300 in mind. The Spartans. Eileen and her random MySpace messages ARE YOU A FRIEND OF SPARTA makes me smile. I've an allergic reaction to something and I miss someone, somewhat.

It's 12 noon. Something to eat, something to drink, light please. A stick of nicotine, Sia in the background and then a nice warm shower. My brain's just dead. Of all things and of all reasons. He asks are you truly over it? I can't say yes because then it would contradict with what happened this morning and with how I felt. But if I said no, then that would be even worse. If I'm not over it, I'm just wallowing in self-pity and agony and all that nonsense. Useless. And from what and how I see it, where I stand and am right now, things are going pretty good.

I think, there should be a time, soon, to stop being so dependent on technology. To be the first thing I run to when I reach home or before I head to work. Damn, I really must be allergic to something because my foot itches like hell. ARGH!

i miss you guys

I miss you guys loads. I miss Oklahoma a heck lot. And I miss the times when we were hanging, the guys over at our place and cooking for us. Oh yes, we bullied them a lot. But whaddya know, they were better chefs than we were. Remember Shaikha? We bought macaroni and cheese, cooked rice with the microwave. Imran lighting up his cigarette with the stove. Mind you, it's not the live-flame kind. More like a hot plate. How he did it? I have no idea.

School and Dr. Larry, who was the Sports and whatever-it-was teacher. Go-karting and miniature golf and stupid DDR nonsense whereby I have really poor hand-to-eye coordination. Mike and his silly escalator thing in the empty pool. Pretending to be playing hardcore tennis but with no ball. Eggs made out of flour and our very own water parade. Chinese food with spicy chicken rice kinda chilli that reminded us of home and the waitress who went "Would you like some wa-tah?".

Memories. I have all these memories to live through again.

Oh yeah. Most importantly. Long, thick, middle-of-the-back-length kinda hair. And graduation, in the rain and taking stupid pictures. How could I forget the tornado that had us mostly crying and crowded in the room with no idea as to what to do and asking Google for advice (funny how CNA actually showed it in Singapore).

We were messier than the guys. But there were only two of them in the penthouse. Four of us, last one to wake up got the least amount of steaming hot water. Blow-drying my hair everyday. Virgin dye, two boxes and lots of laugher and commentaries. Sleeping beside Shaikha, who steals pillows and covers and leaves me 1/4th of the bed to survive.

:D

We have to meet up soon. And I know Kris is gonna hound me for photos. Photos trigger off memories, I'd rather relieve every moment again with you guys. With pictorial evidence or not.

hello hello you pretty thing

I have a new phone. Find me on MSN to get the new number. This means you Joanna, since I'm lazy as hell and I find you at odd moments on MSN. I've already messaged the guys and the necessary people who ought to know about it.

Dirty Harry's ain't that bad a drink. When you down it and squinch your face as you suck the cointreau (or whatever it is) out from the lychee. Yum.

I ♥ my new phone. Ah Beng, Ah Lian, whatever. It's pretty, sleek, slim, chic and I like it. Very much. I also have a new book, for 5dollars, thanks to the secondhand bookstore near my workplace. Finally, I'm getting back to reading.

the morning after, before and what?

Dear all, I am stoned. Stoned. Dead stoned. Blurred. Minus the bloodshot eyes and hangover. I'm just. Stoned. Did I mention I was stoned? Yes. Last night, I just remembered, there was this guy who kept tapping me on the shoulder to dance. Fortunately Shan and I were leaving Phuture. But we stopped closer to the bar because they started playing her favourite song and then mine. So what else la? Dance a bit more. Haha!

Today I shall fill in some of the circulation audit forms, write some drafts for the articles that're due and design Shan's blog. My brain is spinning but I still wanna club more. Yikes! No it's not an addiction and there's no alcohol involved. Just the act of dancing, having a good time with dear close friends and behaving like an idiot whenever our favourite songs come on. Ok, not idiot. That's just me coz I'm dorky and geeky that way.

WHY MUST THEY HAVE AN IT FAIR WHEN I HAVE NO MONEY?!

:( Times like these, life is so unfair. (Course you know I was simply kidding ;])

you're beautiful

There are times when it seems you're stuck on a road, forking out in more than two directions. Torn and unsure, there are no signs, there's definitely no map. Where do you go and what do you do? Then you begin to rely on gut instinct, on what your bones, your soul or perhaps, your heart tells you. The conflict of whether to listen to your mind or to your heart. Of whether logic and rationale is far more dependable than something that's not often proven to be right.

I've finally met up with the most sweetest angel on this planet. My dearest Shan and I headed down to Zouk for a girls' night out. Dancing together and laughing at the other oddly eccentric dancers. No drinks, pure water. I love her even more. Who else do I know who goes to a club and doesn't drink? She's really a source of inspiration and admiration. You do what you have to. Climb up the ladder. Fuck the pretentious bullshit that's evident everywhere.

When I've gained all the talent, the skills and the experience I need; I'm going to join her. Together we will rule the universe! Ok, that was just cheesy and lame. Sorry!

She got me something from Amsterdam. Children's museum if I'm not mistaken. I still owe her a blog layout. Will do it tomorrow! Right now I just wanna wash my face and crawl into bed and sleep.

Love transcends age. Age is not a gauge for maturity. You can be so old and yet so childlike, so terribly immature. You can be young, independent and worldly. I'm stuck in between I feel. Old and young all at the same time. But does it really matter? Do I really care?

I don't think so. And perhaps, that's the most important thing of all.

the beauty that's friendship

Now I know why I don't hang out so much with some group of friends. Awkward is one thing and being a lamp post is another. Then again, it's ok la. We're all friends and I get to listen in and be cued on stuff that's been happening since I've been trapped in my own little bubble.

Had a nice long talk with Ahmad after Marc went on his dinner date. Touching topics on family-related problems to financial situations, dreams and ambitions and even death and life after death. I understand the concept of meaningful conversations now. Because in the past, everything just seemed superficial, scratching the surface of a known iceberg that had seen better days. There's more to life than just your own problems and other people's problems. Seeing things through the eyes of another. And the coolest thing was that, they didn't judge you for what you thought. Neither did they slam you for thinking the way you do. Sometimes you say you accept a person for who they are, but deep down inside you're casting your own judgement and you've already placed them on a certain point of the scale. This was different. I know this sounds uber mushy and shit like that but Marc, Ahmad, Chris; I am really damn glad to know you guys.

Contrary to popular belief, I enjoy sitting down with cigarettes and coffee and just talking. After a long day at work, there's nothing I want to do more than to chill and relax. Good company is a must but I'm fine by myself as well.

Quick randomness; I'M RUNNING OUT OF DISKSPACE ON DRIVE D:/ NOOOOOOOO!

The bus ride back was filled with a lot of goofy smiles. Just thinking about a lot of random things. I'm glad that you're happy with someone. She's a nice person and I'm in the wrong to cast my own judgements upon her.

Oooh! Mambo night with SHAN! ♥ And thank you for being so understanding. I love you also la Joanna. Erm before I go offtrack and get ready for a night of overdue partying, I just wanted to say that I am glad and extremely grateful to be where I am right now. I am thankful for all the people in my life, for all the friends who have been my pillar of strength and support. For the special people who surprise me and who make me smile. :D

JB is confirmed! Sunday I've got the Singapore Masters. Was re-reading the biodata on all the players. I hope Mardan Mamat defends his title. It's just awe-inspiring to know a Singaporean made it big time. Key inspiration to all, we're somewhere on that great big map, even if we're nothing more than a miniscule dot.















I understand what it means to be content, what it means to be satisfied and happy. I don't ask for anything more and I don't want to expect anything else either. Take things as they come, take it as a test, a challenge that I've got to overcome.

I am strong. In some ways. But with the people I care and love for around me, I'm stronger than Superman, Supergirl and the Incredible Hulk combined.

psychoticness is appealing and helpful

lin. says:
im not a very nice person chris
lin. says:
how?
lin. says:
im actually quite psycho
lin. says:
will you still be my friend?
chris - if i could forget you, i would. says:
i love u cos' u r lin. and if being psycho is u, then i love u all the more for being psycho
chris - if i could forget you, i would. says:
plus, someday i might need help from psychos. u never know















Just going through my LJ entries. I'm embarrassed by some of the things I wrote in the past. My god, I was seriously like that? *shudder shudder* Things are different now. The only constant is change. And I like this change.

chicken rice and memories

I believe. I hope. But I think it's possibly true. That I am free this Saturday and hence, this means I can join the guys to catch 300 in JB! Woots! Incredible? Hell yes. Sunday we're heading off to Laguna Resort to catch the finals for the Singapore Masters. I'm pretty free tomorrow as well.

Lunch at the old place where the Original 6 (or rather, 4 then because we split classes) used to go when we were still at the Bugis campus. Bloody hell. Walk so far can! And realised that we walked around in a circle. See la Marc. So smart right?

Ripplevox has this competition that could land you a trip to Aussieland. Pretty cool, but only if you look great and all down-under when surfing the board. You got it, it's a surf competition and I'd love to go and try it out but I'm working and I don't have the body (yet) to make the cut. Haha.

Marcus said that Shakespeare was a fool. Why? Because it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I thought for a moment and I actually do agree. A little. Funny if we keep falling in love and losing, is the emotional trauma and baggage worth falling into it again? Even if we're aware, but we know the ending, why do we still get on with the programme? Maybe humans are simply made that way, to keep repeating mistakes. But I don't believe so. For every person who comes into our life, who leaves footprints that change who we are; either in ways so subtly or conspicuous, we learn from our mistakes. It takes awhile, a little getting used to. But there'll be that alarm bell ringing when you find yourself just about to make the wrong move.

So I don't truly regret past relationships. I'm glad that they're over, glad that I'm done with them. All I can do is take the lessons learnt and make sure the next lucky fella (hey, I am nice and I don't really break hearts all the time) extra happy.

This time it'll be one with better memories. With more laughter and random hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love. Maybe candles too. ;)

my workload is pretty ok

An all and well-rounded job. Soon enough, I will traverse into the realm of marketing. One of my projects will be the roadshow for extreme sports. Now how do you introduce skateboarding, mountainbiking and the likes to schools? Or rather, how do you get past the red tape of pseudo-censorship from principals and school boards alike? Hmmm. Will need to do some research and ask around for that.

Damn that'll be so cool!

Right now my workload has been narrowed down to this:

* NTU Vertical Marathon
I have to do some edits, get a proper ending and some quotes thrown in for good measure. Not to mention, email one of the people and get the results for the run.
* Table Tennis West Zone Finals
This one is on-hold for the moment. But I'll still have to do up a draft in the meantime before I forget all the action that went on in that tiny school hall.
* M1 Asia Challenge
I don't rightly have a slant for this. Will have to think about it over coffee or lunch with the guys.
* Email blast
I've got the basics, I just need to fine-tune and make it more striking. But how sia?
* Shooting Range Article
out, we may be putting in two first-hand accounts for the next issue. Not bad la. Think next month we might do some sailing.

The effects of lethargy is slowly creeping in and I find myself yawning a lot more than I did a couple of hours ago. Marc (and maybe Chris) might be meeting me for lunch later on. Hopefully his company will open up my tired eyes and give me strength to last the day. Yet another random chillout later. Starbucks at Liat Towers with two girls I've yet to chill with in a long time. Expect randomness, bitching and reminiscing. Aahh.

3 in the morning

We spend all our lives, as if swimming in a dense ocean with our hands outstretched, trying to find that perfect fit. That perfect match. We grow picky, we grow jaded from mistakes and miscalculated calibrations. A wave hits us and unexpectedly, in surprise, a hand grasps our own and the heat and warmth so familiar. We're found, pulled up to the surface to breathe.

I've not looked at my scars in a long time. I see and I remember, all the stupidity and foolishness of youth. Of naivete and ignorance. Miscalculations indeed. They won't fade, not that they're meant to. I've not looked at them for a long time. I've not remembered in awhile. It's about time I make sure I don't make the same mistakes like I did in the past.

Time to make sure that the constant of change, is towards progression and not regression.

photos and memories

Me and Adik during WeekendTrip. See the difference yo. See the difference.





Imran and I, as usual, not paying the least bit of attention in class. If I'm not wrong, this was during that fat bastard's lecture. Okla, we weren't not paying attention exactly. He gave us a lab to complete and we finished it ahead of time. Hence, camwhoring session. Yes, times like this, I really do miss my long thick hair. Before the fucked up 160dollar haircut. GRAR!








Can you imagine that that was how I used to look like. Provided if you can figure out which one is me. Shouldn't be too hard ah. Damn bloody cheena sia. I'm clearing all the old photos, all the unwanted and unneeded shots in my computer and lookie lookie what I unearth.



Dear Khai, where have you been?

all that's not left to gain

I need a new phone. Maybe tomorrow I use my mom's old Samsung. I want a Samsung phone. Saw this really pretty one (clamshell too!) at Peace Center. And without line it's below 300bucks. If I'm not mistaken.

So today was pretty awesome. I woke up at 4 and headed to Downtown East for Egan's chalet. Good food, good company and lots of laughs. You'd think hanging out with people roughly four years your junior would be awkward and weird but you're mistaken. They're really down-to-earth people, and funny in a good-natured way.

Things to Do:
- Buy card reader
- Pay off phone bills
- Upload photos from West Zone Table Tennis finals
- Clear off photos for M1 Asia Challenge and NUS Biathlon
- Prepare notes for M1 Asia and NUS Biathlon
- Call schools to re-confirm Team Singapore roadshow
- Get my degree cert from MfuckingDIS
- Lose the tummy
- Designs for WGB's EP
- Myspace Mattoria design
- Clean my room
- Re-do vocal melody for new songs

Alright, that's just off the head. Work tomorrow and I better get some shuteye. Cannot afford to take too many cabs. Days of luxury is over. I had a wonderful time. Mayhaps it's just the beginning.

The kids are gonna have their March holidays. Seriously, why were we organizing a roadshow during the holidays? Hmm. Nevermind. I've gone back to using my backpack, the one I used in college, again. This time round, it fits everything without me looking like a turtle. HAHA!

Also it just dawned on me (or rather not really, since Jo was the one who brought it up), why was it that only now you decided to go for the checkup? If you were trying to subtly imply anything, it kinda failed because I caught no ball that night. Much love to you Jo.

Pasir Ris park is actually pretty incredible at night. It's like Esplanade minus the durian. And with fewer people too. Just that I tripped whilst getting up from the ground and lost the whole aura of coolness. Damn.

snore

Stoned. Fucking stoned. Sleep. BYE!

this conversation is over

Miss Joanna Li, please meet up with me soon because I miss you so much (to the power of 10,000 x 5,000 and whatever shit you know I suck at math). Also, we need to bitch and gossip and drink coffee and I promise not to be late this time round. :)

My eyes are crossed. I haven't been wearing my glasses as of late. Headed down to Mustafa today and got myself hair mask. Let's just see if the thing actually works. Whatever random Japanese stuff my sis bought works and instead of feeling like firewood material, my hair's actually pretty soft. Speaking of which, it's growing out already. Egan and I agreed to dye our hair together. I think. Did we? I think we did. Soon. Once I decide between turquoise and purple.

Tomorrow is mommy's birthday. I'm going to write her a love letter and buy her orchids. See, it's good to work near Tekka market. HARDYHARHAR! But really. My mom isn't a fan of chocolate, my dad is. I know my mom loves bags. She just bought herself one today. And she likes make-up too. I'm thinking of getting her vouchers because if left to me, I know nuts about what to get her as a present. Damn, I wish my sister was around or something to help me out. She prolly got something for mom already. Brother? Aiya forget it. That one possibly doesn't remember anyone else's birthday save for his and his girlfriend. :(

Miss Li/Lee has just enlightened me. Thank you babe. I feel LOADS better. Marry me please. Soon. If you don't wanna ROM here then we can go to Holland and make miniature snow babies. Ok. I'm fucking random now. It's the exhaustion creeping in. GOODBYE SUCKERS I'M GOING OUT AND PARTAYING!

;P















P.S I ♥ Acceptance's This Conversation is Over.

smackdown

Hello world. Right before I log off and head for a very Indian dinner (the reason why I'm online is because I need to charge my veryfuckedup mp3player), just wanna say that REGENT SEC KICKED ASS! So for anyone who was from or is still in Regent Sec, your table tennis team pwned Hwa Chong Institute. Damn power la. By the first game already I was like going whoa.

Some of my kids from Nan Hua Sec were there. This boy from one of the classes I helped to relief and my 306 English class kids. Erm, I think his name was Russell. Can't remember the other guy's name. Yao Zhong? Oh wait, that was the counsellor. Ok, nevermind. Haha. I heard them whispering my name when I was taking pictures so I turned around, smiled and then waved. Then it was back to work.

Getting used to the lens. I don't like the kit lens. It's so blurry and frustrating. Eventhough there's a higher risk of getting blurred shots with the telephot, surprisingly enough, they weren't all too bad. Got mostly action shots and was very very inspired and awed by Regent Sec and their school support. The soccer team even came down to support them.

Tomorrow I'm off! We're celebrating Mad's birthday at NewAsiaBar on Sat. *pokes Mad* You better be sure hor. I save some money to go drinking with you guys. Don't cheat me and tell me all damn ex. And for your information, I can drink ok.

My mother was so hilariously cute. She called me during lunchbreak to ask if I wanted a bag that was similar to what I bought the other. After that she called again to say that she was applying for the membership card and on her birthday she can get 25% off (what is it with women and discounts? the illusion of saving money). Then after that she called me and said she was going to put my name instead of hers. I was like. !!!

Right. She's just cute la. And tomorrow's her birthday. I don't know what to get her. Shall think. Shopping spree come a bit later la. When my career's more settled.

Time to go. Catch ya'all later. I know this blog getting boring because there's no pictures. WAIT LA PEOPLE BUSY OK!









♥ Lin

harder to be around

I had a pretty odd and disturbing dream which left me feeling a tad bit unnerved when I woke up. But it was just a dream. Mayhaps it was a result of the conversation that transpired last night. Or... it's just hidden stress trapped in my subsconscious. At any rate, I woke up at 8:30 and cabbed down to work instead because I was just too tired.

Also, my mp3player is busted. Which means the Arab has to sell me his Nano soon.

Been contemplating dye-ing my hair. I want it green. Aqua green, not quite green and not quite blue either. Maybe I should just call it turquoise. Gonna trim my hair (I plan on keeping this style for a long while yet), shorten the back and keep my 'tails' then dye the either the back or the 'tails'.

Been thinking about the differences between superficial and non-superficial conversations. At the same time, is randomness considered child-like? As in, random conversations and skipping from one train of thought to another. I don't know if its just me but sometimes I find that I have difficulty striking up interesting conversations. They all seem to run along the lines of boring, mundane and omfgtrivial. Disheartening to note, no wonder no one wants to talk to me. :(

What would you call an in-depth and beyond the surface kinda conversations? I find that regardless of what you talk about, as long as it doesn't involve the weather and the usual 'how ya doin' or 'where you now' kinda nonsense, the conversation has transcended beyond trivial and into something more intimate and personal.

I doubt I'm making much sense now. I think going t work via ECP and Nicoll Highway is faster and cheaper as compared to going through town. All em' ERP nonsense. 10bucks at the very least la. Today's one was 9.50.

Also, just remembered that the guys may be heading down to JB this weekend to catch 300! Powah! Azly was telling me about this place in JB that's about 30 mins away (by cab) from the checkpoint that's really power. I can't remember. Tangah Bay or some shit. Good food, shopping and sheeeeesha! We're planning for Neverwhere to chill and hang out sometime soon. Awesome? Awesome. Shite, beginning to sound like Matt.

Okla. I'm gonna get back to designing the email blast. Table tennis at Yuan Ching later on. I'm so tired and imu.

we're in denial

Right. Back home, finally. We ended up having a really random and imprompt jamming session which resulted in a fourth song. Hurray! Just two more and we're set to play for a gig. My day in short, I am aching all over and I need to sleep. The shoot at East Coast wasn't too bad. Just that I didn't go over to the starting line because IT WAS JUST TOO DAMN BLOODY FAR! Maybe I should have taken the bike. Maybe. But naaaaaah. I had enough shots, some funny and some normal and one guy who looked like Borat.

To the Brother and Adik: I'm really really sorry I didn't turn up that night. That I messaged way too late and I didn't pick up your calls. I was just so exhausted my mind went blank. I really am sorry. :(

Random and off-tangent and possibly even narcissitic; I am going to keep to weighing 50kg. No more and no less. And please la, I am not anorexic or go on multiple fad diets and shit like that. I just don't have the time or the money to eat. Simple as that.

candleburn

You rarely meet someone who reads your mind and shares the same sentiment as you. For the matter, you rarely meet someone who seems to understand without even saying much. People underestimate the shy quiet ones. Not because they're probably sociopathic psychomaniacs. But rather, because they often are the sweetest people on earth. :)

Today's shoot at Ubin was fruitful. I was late. I don't even know if the video guys managed to get there on time and get the shots needed. I worry that the editor will strangle/kill me. I better make the article damn power. But it was la. The ironic thing was that, there was no other drinks (save for coffee and tea) but beer. And the beer was freeflow! It would have been perfect, hot sun and sand and a nice seemingly friendly crowd and a nice plastic cup of beer.

But I don't drink remember. And most importantly, I hate beer.

Ok. I did drink, a sip and then I threw the remains onto the grass. Like, utterly yech. God knows why people like beer in the first place. Taste? WHAT FUCKING TASTE? It's yeurgh. Vodka anytime please. That and tequila. As much as it burns, it tastes better than whatever that yellow (possibly R. Kelly's urine HAWHAW) crap.

The food was far from appetising. But when you go to work with only a smidgen of brownies in your belly, well, you eat what you can to live. I really wanna do wakeboarding at Ubin and I wouldn't mind staying over at the country club as well. Friggin cool la.

PLUGGING: The Kallang Wave

Lissa helped out in the production of the movie. And judging from the stills, it looks pretty awesome. I only have one thing to say: is it me or Fandi Ahmad is beginning to look a tad bit like Morgan Freeman?

So tomorrow it's the NUS Biathlon at ECP. I don't even know where carpark f2 is. Like what the hell sia. And I'm stark raving hungry now. Mwar.

I like it when you growl. ;)









When you have so much money and so much time, obviously you'll have time to join and compete in these kinda events. It just makes me wonder. Yes, everyone wants to be rich, wealthy and successful yadda yadda yadda. But I start to wonder, when you hit that level and you've already grown so accustomed to wanting moremoremore; what happens next?



This was from the DXO gig. The two girls thought I was 18. HAHA! I swear the hair makes me look like a kid. Upsides: eternal youth. Downside: other pro journalists think I'm a noob. Though technically I am. Boohoo. Explains why no one wants to talk to me. :( Nevermind.

Super late dinner and then sleep. I gotta be up at 6 tomorrow. GAH! And for the record, this is what I had (to eat and drink) today:

- 4 small pieces of brownie
- 4 fried fishcakes
- 1/11th of a cup of beer (SUCK SUCK SUCK)
- fishball noodle
- ice cold can of coke (mmmm)
- mineral water

So yeah la. I'm not on a diet. Just that I'm broke, bank cashes in my cheque next week and I can't draw the remaining amount of money from my account. Sux0r55.