in the pursuit of happiness

I remember when I was working the closing shift with Matthew. He stood beside me said something that till now, still got me thinking.

"Up till this day, I don't think there is anyone who can answer this question." And so I asked, what was it.

A friend had asked him, if he was truly happy. He paused and in that pause, he thought. How are we to define what happiness is? It encompasses a lot of things. There's no direct specification to it. It's a yes or no question but when you think harder, can you actually say yes or no? You feel depressed now, but in a couple of minutes you're all cheered up; smiling and laughing. So do you say you're not but later change your mind to say that you are?

I've always felt that happiness was a state of mind. In the past, I remember having a talk with Adik and he told me this - we are responsible for our own happiness. No one else has that right, no one else should be shouldering that. Our happiness is what we make of it. Personal joy, gratification and satisfaction.

I don't believe I can answer that question either. Haha. Even worse, I swing from one mood to another so erratically without warning. I can never truly peg myself as feeling indefinitely happy nor can I say that I am indefinitely sad.

Then I had a talk with Danah about contentment. About satisfaction and where is that point, that pinnacle where you reach the plateau and just float there for awhile. Isn't satisfaction and contentment the same thing as stagnancy? She likened it to orgasm, to the emotions and sensation post-coitus. To falling asleep right after mind-blowing sex, that's what you call contentment. Because you know that there is nothing else in the world that could possibly defeat that feeling.

So I wonder, am I on this little merry river of complacency? But I don't feel so. I feel much happier, much content and satisfied with things. I haven't felt disgruntled as of late and the waves of paranoia and insecurity seem to be less. Good thing, definitely a good thing. Maybe it's the adaptation of being shocked from attachment to sudden singlehood. Less dependency on another. Less expectations from each other. Or rather, none of that at all. You're only responsible to yourself. And of course, you only answer to yourself.

There are no lies, no secrets. The first step to being completely honest, to being completely truthful. All begins with one, and that's you.

Talk about random. I actually wanted to say that I'm beginning to take a fancy to dark chocolate, somehow that whole blurb out there got splattered instead. Press conference was fine and dandy. Walked to the hotel (which was actually the old Westin Stamford) and sat there, a greenhorn amongst the veterans. I seriously thought I could have come up with better questions but my brain was simply stumped. Also, it is not easy juggling the role of photographer and journalist. GARGH!

Gonna finish up the Vert Marathon article and then let my brain stone. Bleach 117 is still in RAW format. Cheated of my feelings.