despair

I am amazed, at times, at how violent I get when I'm angry. Looking at the aftermath, wondering what possessed me.

You get that feeling sometimes, that you're just alone. That as much as you try reaching out to people, trying to express what it is that you feel that you're going through but no one simply understands. I just want to give up, surrender. I just want to let go and stop being so defensive, to keep protecting myself at every turn.

I want to stop it but I can't. Because I know the moment I do, I'm doomed. The moment I let my guard down, I'll suffer. Vulnerability. This small, soft, shy, timid thing that's me, coming out of that huge-ass wannabe I'm-a-tough-girl shell.

It makes you want to cry. It makes you want to scratch deep into your arms and ask yourself why. It's a feeling that makes you stare endlessly into space, a feeling that makes you question your existence.